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14 Nov
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Sex and the search for intimacy

How to love and be loved, to experience true intimacy with someone? What is love ? What is intimacy?

By Richard Purnell

Dr. Henry Brandt, in Collegiate Challenge magazine, describes a syndrome, a tendency, when couples come to him: “at first, sex was exciting. But I started to feel strange, and about my partner too. We argued and ended up breaking up. Now we are real enemies. »

This syndrome is what I call morning after syndrome. We wake up and realize that intimacy isn't really there. Sexual relations no longer satisfy us, and the situation we find ourselves in is not what we really wanted in the beginning. We just have two selfish people looking for their own satisfaction. The elements of true love and intimacy cannot be achieved “instantly” and one is in a state of imbalance, seeking harmony.

The life of each of us is made up of five important components: physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual. These five components must work together, in harmony. In our search for intimacy, we want the solution right away. One of our problems is that we want immediate gratification. When the need for intimacy in a relationship is not met, we look for an “instant” solution. Where are we looking? In the physical, mental, social, emotional or spiritual realm? In the physical realm. It's easier to be physically intimate with someone than it is to be intimate in any of the other four ways. You can become physically intimate with a person of the opposite sex in an hour, even half an hour, it just depends on the intensity of the desire! But you quickly realize that sex is only the temporary relief of superficial desire. There is a much deeper need that is not being met.

What do you do when the pleasure wears off, and the more you have sex, the less you like it? We rationalize by saying “We love each other. We love each other for real. » But we still feel guilty and dissatisfied. On campuses across the country, I see young men and women seeking intimacy, moving from one relationship to another hoping, "This time will be the one." This time I will find a relationship that will last. »

I think what we really want is not sex. What we really want is privacy.

What is intimacy?

Nowadays, the word intimacy has taken on a sexual connotation. But it's much more than that. It includes all dimensions of our life: physical, but also social, emotional, mental and spiritual. Intimacy means the total sharing of one's life. Haven't we all had, at one time or another, the desire for closeness, for unity, to completely share our life with someone?

Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love in which he wrote: "We desire moments of expression of love, of closeness and tenderness, but often, at the decisive moment, we go backwards. We are afraid of intimacy. We are afraid of love. » Later in the same book, Hodge writes: “The closer you get to someone, the more likely you are to get hurt. » It is this fear of being hurt that prevents us from experiencing true intimacy.

I was giving lectures at a university. At the end of one of the meetings, a woman came up to me and said, “I need to talk to you about my relationship problems. » We sat down, and she began to tell me about her woes. After a while, she said to me: “Now I make sure I never get hurt again. » I replied, “In other words, you are making sure you never love again.” » Believing that I had misunderstood, she continued: “No, that's not it. I just don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want any more pain in my life. » I continued: “That’s what I’m saying, you don’t want love in your life anymore.” Indeed, “love without suffering” does not exist. The closer we get to someone, the more likely we are to get hurt.

I would estimate that you (and almost 100% of the population) would say that you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is: how do you cope with this suffering? In order to hide this pain, most of us give others what I call a “double signal.” We say to someone, “I want us to get closer.” I want to love and be loved… But wait a minute, I have suffered in the past. I don't want to talk about these things. I don't want to hear these things. » We build walls around our hearts to protect us from those outside who would come in and harm us. But the same walls that keep others out, lock us inside. The result: loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible.

What is love ?

Love is more than emotions, and it's much more than a good feeling. But our society has taken what God says about love, sex, and intimacy, and changed it to simple emotions and feelings. God describes love in great detail in the Bible, especially in the book of 1 Corinthians, chapter 13. So that you fully understand God's definition of love, I will present verses four to seven (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) in this way. How much would your needs be met if someone loved you the way God says we should be loved:

  • What if this person treated you with patience, kindness, without being envious?
  • What if this person didn't boast and wasn't proud?
  • What if this person wasn't rude to you, or selfish, if they didn't get irritated easily?
  • What if she no longer took your mistakes into account?
  • What if she refused to cheat on you but was always honest and sincere with you?
  • What if this person protected you, trusted you, always hoped for the best for you, and persevered despite your conflicts?

Read Also: If God is so good, why does life hurt so bad? Find Hope!

This is how God defines the love He wants us to experience in our relationships. You will notice that this love is centered on the other. He gives rather than being selfish. And that is the problem. Who can live like this?

For us to experience this love in our relationships, we must first experience God's love for us. You can't demonstrate that love for someone else all the time if you've never been loved that way. God, who knows you, who knows everything about you, loves you perfectly.

God tells us through the prophet Jeremiah: “I love you with an everlasting love, therefore I draw you to Me 1 . » God's love for you will never change.

God loved us so much that He allowed Jesus Christ to be crucified (an ancient form of execution) for our sins so that we might be made clean. We read in the Bible: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that as many as believe in him should not perish but have everlasting life . ” » When we turn to God and accept his forgiveness, then we begin to experience his love.

God tells us: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and therefore will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all evil . ” » Not only does God forgive us our sins, but he forgets them and purifies us.

God continues to love us in all circumstances. Often, relationships end when something is altered, such as a disabling accident or a reversal of fortune. But God's love is not based on how we look or what we are.

As you can see, God's view on love is completely different from what society tells us about love. Can you imagine a relationship with this type of love? God simply tells us that His forgiveness and love are ours if we ask for them. This is his gift to us. But if we refuse this gift, we deprive ourselves of the discovery of true personal fulfillment, true intimacy and the true purpose of our life.

The solution

God’s love gives us the solution. All we have to do is respond by trusting in Him with faith. The Bible says about Jesus: “Some welcomed him and believed in him. To all these he granted the privilege of becoming children of God 4 . » God sent His only Son, Jesus, to die in our place. But that's not the end of the story. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead. Like God, he is alive today and wants to put his love in your heart. Once you accept Him, you will be amazed at what He can do in your life and in your relationships.

The word of God tells us: “He who trusts in the Son (Jesus Christ) has eternal life. He who does not trust in the Son does not know life, he remains under the wrath of God 5 . » What God wants for us is that we have life, not just today, but for eternity. If we choose to reject Him, then we have chosen the consequence of sin, which is death and eternal separation from Him.

It is the fact of welcoming Jesus Christ, of receiving Him into our life and of believing in Him that restores balance in our life. Faith in God allows forgiveness from God. We no longer hide, we no longer follow our own path. He's right there with us. We have peace with Him. Once we place our faith and dependence on Him, He comes to live in our life and we live in His intimacy. His forgiveness is there to cleanse us of our deepest sins, our deepest selfishness, the greatest problem or struggle we have or will ever have.

The intimacy that fills us

Throughout the Bible, God's position on sex is very clear. God reserved sex for marriage and only for marriage. Not because He wants to make us unhappy, but because He wants to protect us. He wants to build a secure foundation for us, so that when we enter into marriage, intimacy will be based on the security of His love and wisdom.

When we trust in Jesus, He gives us new love and new power day by day. This is how the intimacy we seek is satisfied. God gives us a love that will not abandon us, that will not stop despite the years that pass and the times that change. His love can bring two people together, with Him at the center of that union. In a romantic relationship, the more you grow together spiritually but also socially, mentally and emotionally, the more you will be able to have an intimate, honest, generous relationship that is satisfying and exhilarating! And when the relationship culminates into marriage, the sexual union enhances the foundation that has already been established.

You can receive Jesus Christ now by faith, through prayer. To pray is to speak with God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words but rather with the attitude of your heart. Here is a suggested prayer: “Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and I receive you as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me my eternal life. Take control of my life and make me the person You want me to be. »

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? If so, pray this prayer now. When you place your faith in Christ, He comes into your life as He promised. This will begin a relationship with Him that will become more and more intimate as you get to know Him better. And with Him at the center, your life will have a completely new dimension, a spiritual dimension, which will bring better harmony and greater satisfaction to your relationships.

Footnotes: (1) Jeremiah 31:3 (2) John 3:16 (3) 1 John 1:9 (4) John 1:12 (5) John 3:36

Source: Questions2vie.com

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